On one occasion, Drumpf stood up to test Jesus. He wasn’t an expert in the law, but he sure had opinions anyway. “Teacher,” he asked, “What must I do to gain a facade of basic human decency?”
“What is written in the Law?,” Jesus replied. “How do you interpret it?”
Drumpf answered. “I don’t know about you, and the Law is very complicated and all that, but let me tell you this. I’m an okay guy. I do things that are good. And there are people, I have lots of friends, and they call me up and they say, ‘You did good. Keep it up.’ And I do.”
“Do good things for whom?” Jesus prompted, very patiently.
Five minutes later, when it was clear that Drumpf wasn’t going to give a straight answer, Jesus told him, “Your neighbor. The answer is your neighbor. Love your neighbor as yourself, and treat them as you would want to be treated, and you will be living a worthwhile life.”
But Drumpf wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who counts as my neighbor?”
In reply, Jesus said: “A man was commuting from Mexicali to Brawley, when he was attacked by racists. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him, and went away, leaving him half-dead. A Republican happened to be driving down the same road, and when he saw the man, he swerved a little to avoid him. Next came a Tea Partier; when he came to the place and saw the man, he too swerved and went on his way.
“But a gay transvestite Tumblrina came to where the man was, and saw him, and took pity. They put the man in the back seat of their own car, brought him to a hospital, and did his paperwork for him.
“Which of those three do you think was a ‘neighbor’ to the man who was beaten up by racists?”
Drumpf replied, “I don’t know about you, but let me tell you this. What if the guy who got beaten up was a rapist? What if he had drugs? I hear there are people out there with drugs. There are people out there with rape. We have to keep them out. If we help them, they’ll just bring us their drugs and rape. Now I don’t know or care about either of those things, but there are lots of people who are worried. They say the situation is bad. And that makes me worried. So, you know, we need to take action. If we want to get rid of drugs and rape, bam, build a wall.”
And Jesus facepalmed. “Father,” he said, “Help me out here. I have found a creature that is immune to parables.”